You cannot make someone stop using, and that is not your failure. What you can do is look after yourself, communicate in ways that make change more likely, and make decisions about your own life that do not depend on theirs.
Who this page is for
This page is for anyone close to an adult whose use of alcohol or drugs, or a behaviour such as gambling, gaming, porn or phone use, is affecting them and you. You might be a partner or spouse. You might be a parent, with a son or daughter who is grown up but still very much yours to worry about. You might be an adult child of a parent who uses, or a brother or sister. You might be a friend, or someone who lives with, works with or cares for the person.
You do not need to be sure that it is addiction. You do not need them to agree that there is a problem, or to be in treatment, or to want it. If it is taking up space in your head and in your life, that is reason enough to get support. I work with adults aged 18 and over, and that includes family members and friends in their own right.
What this is like
Living with someone’s drug or alcohol use can mean worry, anger, grief, secrets, money problems and a constant sense of waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Many people feel ashamed, or feel they have to hold everything together. If that is you, you are not overreacting, and you are not alone in it.
If you are their partner
When your partner is using, the relationship changes shape. Trust wears down through broken promises, things that do not add up, and being told things that turn out not to be true. Money can become a source of fear. Intimacy often goes, either because you feel angry and hurt, or because you no longer feel safe or close. Many partners become the organiser, the carer and the lookout, and are tired in a way that sleep does not fix.
Then there is the question of what you can live with. That is rarely one decision made once. I cannot tell you to leave and I cannot tell you to stay. That is yours to decide. I can give you room to think it through, away from the pressure of the moment, so that what you choose is a decision and not a reaction. If there is any risk to your safety, see the safety section below.
If you are a parent of an adult child
Parents of adult children are in an extremely difficult position. You cannot set the rules any more, you may not be told much, and yet you are often the one they ring when things fall apart. Many parents go back over the past looking for what they did wrong. Others lie awake waiting for the phone, or find that other relatives take sides. It is also hard to talk about with friends whose children seem to be doing fine.
Your son or daughter is an adult, and the decisions about their use are theirs. That is hard to accept, and it is also where some relief can start. What help to offer, when to say no, whether they can come home and how to keep the family steady are all worth thinking through with someone outside the situation. Guilt is common. I would rather help you look at it than tell you to put it away.
If you are an adult child or a sibling
If you grew up with a parent who drank or used drugs, you may have learned early to read the mood in the room, to keep quiet, or to look after everyone else. Those habits can follow people into adult life, into relationships, work and how it feels to ask for anything. You may also be caring for that parent now, or be angry with them, or both.
Siblings can find themselves in a similar spot. One brother or sister becomes the focus of the family’s worry, and the rest are expected to cope. Some of you become the go-between, or the one who is always fine. Resentment and guilt can sit side by side. None of this means something is wrong with you; it makes sense given what you have lived with. Therapy gives you somewhere to sort out what belongs to you, what does not, and how much contact you want.
If you are asking yourself any of these
- Why won’t they stop, when they know what it is doing to us?
- Is it my fault?
- Should I leave, or stay?
- Should I confront them, or will that make it worse?
- How do I protect the children?
- How do I stop it taking over my own life?
These are the questions I work through with partners, parents, adult children and friends. Some short answers are further down this page.
What tends to help, and what tends not to
- Look after your own health, sleep and support. Your needs have not disappeared because someone else’s are louder.
- Stay curious, not accusatory. Shame and ambush usually make people defensive, not willing. Choose a calm moment, speak about how it affects you, and be specific.
- Be clear about your own limits. Boundaries you can actually keep are more useful than ultimatums you cannot.
- Try not to cover for them. Protecting someone from the consequences can keep the pattern going, though that is a hard line to walk and I will not pretend otherwise.
- Do not take on all the responsibility for their change. You can offer support; the decision is theirs.
- Keep your own support network. Isolation makes everything harder.
Money and debt
Addiction can cost a great deal, and families often find out late. Savings go, credit cards are opened, loans are taken out, and sometimes your name is on some of it. The shock can push you to fix it at once, by paying everything off, moving money or keeping it quiet.
My view, and it is a view and not a rule, is that it is worth getting advice before paying off or hiding debts, or making big decisions about joint accounts. Free, confidential debt advice is available. StepChange is free on 0800 138 1111. National Debtline is free on 0808 808 4000, open Monday to Friday 9am to 8pm and Saturday 9:30am to 1pm. MoneyHelper has a locator for free debt advice services across the UK. Therapy does not replace that advice, but I can help with the shock, the anger and the question of what trust looks like now.
Safety, and children
If you or your children are at risk of harm, that comes before everything else. Living alongside someone’s addiction can make the risks easy to play down, and children always have to come first. If there are children under 18 in the family, we will talk about this together in our first session. In an emergency, or if someone has overdosed or is seriously unwell, call 999.
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247, free, open 24 hours every day. It is run by Refuge and is aimed at women; friends and family who are worried about someone can call too.
- NSPCC Helpline: 0808 800 5000, 10am to 4pm, Monday to Friday, for any adult who is concerned about a child. Children can call Childline free on 0800 1111.
- Samaritans: 116 123, free, any time, if you are having thoughts of ending your life.
If someone you love uses opioids, GOV.UK guidance says drug services can supply take-home naloxone to a family member or friend of someone at risk of overdose, to use in an emergency. Ask the local drug service about it. Training covers calling 999 as well.
Where families can get support
You do not have to choose between support groups and therapy; many people use both. Support groups, helplines and debt advice for families can be found on the urgent help and further resources page.
How I work with families
The sessions are for you, in your own right. It makes no difference whether the person you are worried about is using, in treatment, in recovery, or will not talk about it. They do not need to come.
What we work on depends on you. It often includes boundaries, meaning what you will and will not do and how to hold that without a row, and how to raise difficult things so they are more likely to be heard. It can include anger, which is usually a sign of how much you have been carrying, grief for the person or the future you expected, guilt, and looking after yourself again.
I cannot promise that the other person will change, and I would not want you to come to therapy hoping for that. This is also not family mediation. I work with you individually and I do not take sides. I work online, across the UK, with adults aged 18 and over.
Short answers to common questions
How do I talk to someone who says they do not have a problem?
You will not argue them into agreement, and trying often makes things worse. Choose a calm moment when neither of you is under the influence or in the middle of a row, talk about how it is affecting you rather than what is wrong with them, and be specific. Then be prepared for it not to land first time.
Is it my fault my son or daughter uses?
Addiction is rarely a simple choice, and it is rarely a simple matter of fault either. Many parents blame themselves; it is understandable, and it does not help you or them.
Should I leave?
I cannot answer that for you, and I would be wary of anyone who says they can. It is your decision, and safety comes first. What therapy can do is help you work out what you want, away from the pressure of the moment.
How do I look after myself when someone I love is addicted?
Start small: sleep, food, one person you can be honest with, and some time that is not about them. Then work out your limits, meaning what you can live with and what you cannot. Having support of your own makes the rest more manageable.
My partner has lost our savings gambling; what do I do?
First, get free debt advice before making decisions about joint accounts or debts; StepChange and National Debtline are both free. Then look after yourself, because discovering this is a shock and often feels like a betrayal. You can get support of your own, whether or not they do.
Can I get help if they refuse help?
Yes. Support for you does not depend on them accepting anything. The NHS says getting support for yourself helps you support your loved one, and suggests asking your GP about local groups for people affected by someone else’s drug use. FRANK’s helpline is 0300 123 6600. I see family members whether or not the person using wants help.
Should I give them money?
There is no rule, and it is your decision. In my experience, cash can end up funding more use or gambling, while saying no can feel cruel when you are frightened. Some families pay a bill directly or buy food instead. Decide before the next request, not in the middle of it, and get free debt advice if money is already tight.
Am I enabling them?
Most families cushion the person in some way, out of love or fear, and that is not a character flaw. In my experience, the useful question is whether what you do helps them face things, or only gets everyone through today. Covering, paying off debts and making excuses can keep a pattern going, though it is a hard line to walk.
What do I do if they relapse?
Look after yourself first, and call 999 if there is any risk to life. In my experience relapse is common and does not mean you did something wrong. If they have a keyworker or GP, that is where medical worries belong. Then ask what you need from here: your own support, and limits you can keep.
How can I support someone after rehab or treatment?
Ask what would help rather than guessing, and keep your own support going. The NHS says families often play an important role, and that getting support for yourself helps you support them. In my experience the early weeks can be tense as roles shift, so keep expectations modest and treatment plans for them to lead.
Can I come to therapy without them knowing?
Yes. Therapy for you is yours. You do not need their agreement, and they do not need to be in treatment or know about it. Whether and when you tell them is your choice, and I will not push either way. Many people find it easier to talk once they have worked out what they want to say.
How do I know if someone I love has a problem?
FRANK lists signs of dependence: using very often, carrying on after trying to cut down or stop, secrecy or lying about how much, using alone, carrying on despite harm, going to extreme lengths to get drugs, and giving up things they enjoyed. One sign proves nothing. Only they, with a GP or drug service, can say what is going on.
What do I say to my children?
Say something true that suits their age, and tell them it is not their fault. The NSPCC says children need to understand that the problem is not their fault and that they cannot control or cure a parent’s addiction. In my experience calm honesty beats silence. Children can call Childline free on 0800 1111.